Change.

"To improve is to change; to perfect is to change often." --Winston Churchill

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." --Frederick Douglass

Two great quotes from two great men. But, despite how profound those words may sound coming from the mouths of an influential abolitionist and an esteemed prime minister, it's really all just common sense.

Think about it. If you are a soccer player, how do you improve? You change your technique, even if it's just a little bit, so that you are a more effective player on the field. If you are a student and you are struggling in a class, how do you understand the curriculum better? You try and find new ways to study and learn the material.

It's all about change and trying new things. Even the physical world that we live in is constantly changing. The seasons change, the tides change, the shape of our continents even change. And then there is the material world that surrounds us. Every year that goes by brings new electronics, new cars, new designs--the list could go on forever. I mean, seriously, how many generations of iPhones, iPods, and iPads are there now? And each one just keeps getting better and better, right? Why? Because Apple changes things, tweeks things, so that they can provide a better product.

We, as human beings, should be doing the same thing with ourselves. We should invite change--embrace change. I guarantee there is not one person on this earth that wouldn't like to change one thing about themselves. So why not do it? I'm not talking physical changes, like a new nose or implants who knows where. I'm talking mental, psychological, even emotional changes.

Nobody is perfect, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to be. You can be the person who accepts others for who they are. You can be the person who is kind to everyone and doesn't care about outer appearances. You can be the person who says no. You can be the person who overcame darkness. It's all up to you. Most of the time it takes just a simple change in attitude. Other times it requires major life adjustments. But whatever the case may be, you can do it. You can make the change--or as some famous person once said you can "be the change you want to see in the world."

Don't get me wrong though, change can be very difficult sometimes. Those major life adjustments can be really hard to make. I know that from experience. I am not the same person I was two or three months ago. I feel like I am a completely different person because I finally decided to make the changes that were long overdue in my life. It was probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, but let me tell you, it has been more than worth it.

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress."

I can't get over how true that statement really is. I feel like I have made progress because I struggled through the changes that needed to be made. Sometimes I even look back and I don't even recognize the person I was before because that really wasn't me. But I know who I am now and now all I have to do is maintain the changes that I made and invite any other change that may come my way. If I can do it, anyone can do it.

So take a step.

Make a change..

Be the person you've always dreamed of becoming.

You never know, someday I could be quoting you on my blog.

Patience.

So, I haven't posted on here for a while and it's not because I don't have anything to say. Trust me, I have plenty to say. I just haven't been able to put it all together. I have had so many thoughts racing through my mind that it's been hard to just sit down and focus. I've clicked on the "New Post" button probably a dozen times between tonight and my last post and each time I do the words that are stored in my head seem to just float away.

Why? I'm not sure. I certainly feel like I am a lot less confused about life than when I started this blog. I've made some major decisions in the past month or two and I can honestly say that my life is running pretty smoothly right now. Maybe that's it. Maybe I can't seem to focus because life isn't extremely confusing right now. Before, I had lots of unanswered questions that I could ramble on and on about. Don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of questions that I would love to have answered, but now I know I need to just wait and everything will fall into place.

So I guess that's what tonight's post will be about -- patience.

I'm probably one of the least patient people you will ever meet, at least I used to be. And when I say "I used to be," I mean just a month or two ago. When I wanted something, I wanted it right away. I hated when I didn't know something for sure. I despised unanswered questions.

Now, I'm not saying I don't still struggle with those things, but I feel like I've learned a thing or two about patience in the past couple of months. I know that doesn't seem like a very long time to learn about patience, but for me even just a month is a very long time.

"Patience is a virtue." We've all heard that saying before. I always used to roll my eyes whenever anyone decided to whip that tidbit of advice out in conversation. But now I know that those people were right. Patience is a virtue. Without it, life is just a bunch of things smashed together at all the wrong times.

Sometimes, no matter how bad we want something, we just have to wait. It seems simple on paper, but in reality it's one of the toughest things to do.

The unknown is really so scary and being patient forces you to deal with the unknown. Being patient means you have enough faith and trust to wait for what's right to happen in it's own time. There is a plan for each of us in this life even if we don't realize it. We are blessed to be on this earth and we all have a purpose. God loves us way too much to set us up for failure. When we fail, it's because of the choices that we make ourselves. God has given us each a plan for our lives, but it's up to us to decide whether we fulfill that plan or not. Certain things are supposed to happen at certain times and if we try and change that things just won't work out.

That's why patience is so important. We must be patient so that everything will fall into place. A little less than two months ago, I felt like I was going nowhere. I felt stuck and overwhelmed. I felt like I had to figure everything out right at that point in time, but I was wrong. All I had to do was have patience, faith and hope that everything would work out. At the beginning I certainly had none of those things. But as time went on I learned.

Now, looking back, I can see the bad things that happened because I tried to rush things. On the other hand, I can see all of the wonderful things that have happened because I just waited and had faith. I am blessed to have a job that gives me more hours than most people get. I landed a great internship and have been offered so many awesome opportunities there. I've made some huge decisions about school. I've met some amazing people who make me want to be a better person. And, most importantly, I feel happy. I haven't felt this content in such a long time and I didn't realize how much I missed it. There's no greater feeling than pure happiness.

Don't get me wrong, I still have struggles. But now those struggles just seem a little bit easier to endure. I know I can get through anything because God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. I just need to hold my head up high and let the pieces of my puzzle of a life fall into place.

Everything will work out in the end.

Whatever is meant to be will happen.

I just need to be patient.

You.

You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts that you think and the things that you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful, not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.

Loss.

Due to recent events, I have been thinking a lot about death. Not in a morbid "I'm scared to die" way, but in more of a....an appreciative way. I have a new appreciation for life and the time we have here on this earth. Fortunately, I haven't had to personally deal with a lot of loss during the 19 years I have been on this earth. But I certainly have had to watch others deal with it and my heart goes out to them.

The crazy thing about life is that you never know when it's going to end. You never know when your last conversation will be or even what your last meal will be. That conversation you just had with a friend on the phone could be the last time you'll talk to him or her. You just never know. People die at all different ages and we never really know why. I don't think we're supposed to know why. We just need to know that it was their time to go. They did what they needed to do and God was ready to have them back. It may not seem fair to us at the time, but it's all part of God's plan.

All of this reminds me of an episode of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager." Corny, I know. But it's the episode where Grace's father dies in a plane wreck. He was going overseas and before he left he and Grace got into an argument. They were both angry when they said goodbye to each other and only a couple of hours later he was gone. She never even got to tell him she loved him one last time.

To me, that is terrifying. I never want my last conversation with someone to be based on anger, because even though it may not have been a serious argument, that person would die being angry or upset with me and I don't know if I could live with that. I don't want someone's last thought to be of me being nasty to them. I want their last thought of me to be a happy and loving one. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to die knowing someone was mad at me or I was mad at someone else.

But even though I say all of this, it still could happen. People get in stupid arguments all the time. All we can do is try to limit them. It all goes back to the whole not knowing thing again. Life is full of mysteries and death is one of the biggest mysteries of them all.

One of my close friends always says he's not afraid to die and I always thought that was a morbid thing to say, but you know what, he's right. We shouldn't be afraid to die. Death isn't a punishment, it's just God's way of saying that your mission on the earth is over and it's time to go home. God is our Heavenly Father and he loves us.

Some people may argue that they are afraid to die because they don't want to leave their loved ones. But I know that families are forever because of the love that God has for us. Think about it. Why would he divide us into family units on this earth just to split us up when we died? Not very logical if you ask me. But, to each his own!

Anyway, my point is: appreciate today. Appreciate the seconds and minutes you have on this earth. Each one is precious and each moment you share with someone is unique. We can't go back and we can't skip ahead. We have to live for the present and trust that everything will be okay.

I think Hilary Weeks says it best in her song, "If I Only Had Today."

There's no time like the present.
Life doesn't come with any guarantees.
The sun will set and time won't wait
So while I have today:
I'll hold you and listen
And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink.
I'll tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I'll just let the phone ring.
The I'll remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.

Make your life worth living, appreciate those around you, and appreciate every last minute. Don't go a day without telling someone you love them. Cherish the quiet moments and make the most of the crazy ones. Our time is short so make the most of it. 

I know I will.

 

Forward.

With everything that has been going on lately, I have had to learn that the only direction I can look is forward. Looking backward only makes things worse. You can't change the past so why worry about it? The only thing you can do about the past is learn from it. There are always going to be obstacles in your life. There are always going to be things that break you down and make you want to sit on the ground and cry. But, if you decide to just keep looking forward you can pick yourself up and keep moving.

I will be the first to admit that I haven't been very good at this in the past few weeks. I haven't been looking forward. I've been too worried about the things that have happened and I haven't picked myself up and moved on. But I'm telling you from experience that it's never too late to start.

Great things will happen if you keep your head up and focus on things you can change instead of things you can't. When it rains no one ever tries to stop the rain because they know it's impossible. So why do you try and stop other things in your life that is out of your control?

I think that's one of the human race's biggest flaws. We're always trying to control things that we have no control over. I think if we all just let things happen and didn't try to mess with things we have no right to mess with, there would be a lot less stress in the world.

I really believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that is one of the truest things anyone has ever said. God has a plan for you and he knows what he's doing. He puts you in situations because he knows you can handle them. I don't think he just arbitrarily throws things at you for no reason. You meet people because you need them in your life. You lose people because they have fulfilled their purpose. You go through trials to make you stronger. You fall because you need to learn how to stand back up.

I don't believe in coincidence. Even the smallest things in life happen because they are supposed to happen. Like going to the grocery store. You decide to go the grocery store at a certain time. Why? You may never know. But maybe it was because the cashier that rung your order up needed someone to smile at her because she was having a bad day. Or maybe it was because someone you haven't seen in a while was there and you were supposed to run into them.

Yes, you have choices. I'm not saying God is controlling our brains or anything, but he did create us. He created us with minds that are absolutely amazing. The amount of information our minds can store is incredible. But what really fascinates me is the human sub-conscience. Our mind observes and thinks about things that we don't even realize we're thinking about. Our sub-conscience influences our decisions more than we know.

Your decisions make you who you are, the good ones at least. Because you're human you do make dumb decisions sometimes but I don't think those ones necessarily define who you are. They help you to grow and you learn from them, but it's the good decisions that really define who you are. And it's not the end of the world when you make a dumb decision. It's only the end of the world if you make it that way. But if you just look forward and learn from your mistakes and make good decisions instead, then I think you're okay.

Your life here on this earth is
for trial and error. You win some, you lose some. But it's your decision on how to react to everything. You can look backward and feel sorry for yourself or you can look to the future. Only you can decide what you do. Are your eyes looking toward the future? Or are they stuck on the details of yesterday?

Progress.

Fun workout. Skype with my best friend. Four job interviews. Progress.

Today I finally feel like I made some progress with my life!

My tear count is down, my smile is less forced, and the pain isn't so unbearable.

[Workout.] At the gym this morning I got a 5-minute massage to loosen up, did a 30-minute ab workout, ran for 25 minutes, and then did another 30-minute ab workout. It felt so good! I mean, I haven't lost any weight yet and my stomach hasn't turned into those washboard abs yet, but if I keep up with what I'm doing I know I'll get to where I want to be eventually! And hopefully, in time, I won't feel so dead after such a small workout. Instead I'll feel dead after a more intense workout! (:

[Skype.] I am so grateful for modern technology! Without it all of this would be a lot harder than it is already. It's just incredible that someone was smart enough to come up with a way for people to talk face to face instantly through a computer screen. So, whoever invented it, thanks and I love you!

[Interviews.] Going into my job search today, I was kind of skeptical. From experience, the town and surrounding area that I live in isn't the best place to find a job. But apparently today was my lucky day! I walked into the mall and every store I walked into was hiring. I landed my first interview at American Eagle this coming Wednesday! I was so happy after that I almost left right then and there. But instead I went to Strawberry, Hollister, Gap, Aeropostale, and Auntie Anne's. And the results? I have an interview for Strawberry on Wednesday. I have an interview at Hollister on Tuesday. I have an interview at Aeropostale on Wednesday. The manager at Gap told me to call back on Monday to set up an interview. And the manager at Auntie Anne's said she would call me sometime next week. Success? I think so!!

So, tonight I'm smiling. Even though things are still hard and I'm still going through a lot, I have something that I can look forward to. Although I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, I an see the reflectors that line the inside of the tunnel. It's not completely dark anymore and I know if I keep making progress, then one day everything will fall into place and work out.

I will be where I want to be. I'll be doing what I want to be doing. And I'll be with who I want to be with.

Workout.

As part of my "Being Home Bucket List" I decided to join the gym today. I've always heard people say that working out helps to relieve stress and just makes them feel better overall, so I did it. I joined Planet Fitness and enjoyed my first workout today.

If any of you have been to a Planet Fitness gym before, you know how nice it is. There are dozens of treadmills and elliptical machines, weight training equipment, ab workout stations, and [my favorite] massage tables and tanning beds. And it's only $20 a month. How can you beat that??

Anyway, working out today really did relieve a lot of stress. I did a 30-minute ab workout, ran on the treadmill for 30-minutes, and then did a 30-minute cool-down circuit. I also got my free massage and spent a little bit of time in the tanning bed, but that doesn't really count towards working out, does it?

Even though it was hard because I haven't worked out in a really long time [shh! don't tell anyone], I got through it and at the end I actually felt really good about myself. I did something to help my body and improve my health. I made progress, which is something I feel like I haven't done in a while. I haven't felt good about myself in a long time and I think this is just what I needed. It made me realize that, even though I'm not in school right now, I can still do something that will better myself and make me the person I want to be. I'm not a failure. I just don't know what I'm doing, and that's okay for now.

I know that working out may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but for me, this is huge. It's a stepping stone towards the life that I want. A healthy, positive, and fun life. 

I've realized that I can't just sit around and feel sorry for myself. I need to look to the future and trust that everything will work out. If I do what I need to do, then everything else will fall into place. It may not be easy. In fact, I know the next couple of months are going to be some of the hardest months of my life. But I can and will overcome what ever is thrown my way.

Eventually the tears will stop and the heartache will go away.

I just hope I don't have to wait too long for that day to come.

Plans.

Ever since I can remember, I have always had a plan for everything. I planned out what I wanted to wear. I planned out each day. And, up until about a month ago, I had the outline of my life all laid out in front of me. I knew when I would graduate college. I knew what my career would be. I knew who I wanted to be with. I used to write it all down, like a map -- a map of my life.

I knew.

And now? It's like those plans never even existed. I don't even know what I'm going to be doing next week, let alone the next four years of my life.

If you were to ask me a month ago what I would be doing on August 29th, I would have told you that I would be living in Garden Court Apartments in Logan and going to school at Utah State as a Broadcast Journalism major.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Instead, I am sitting in a hotel room in South Bend, Indiana on my way back to Pennsylvania to restart my life. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know where I want to live. I don't know who I want to be with.

Actually, scratch that. I do know what I want. I know what I want to do. I know where I want to live. I know who I want to be with. But are those things the best things for me? I don't know.

So this is my time to figure that out. For once in my life I don't have a plan...yet. I have goals that I have set for myself and I have family and friends who love me enough to stand by me.

I'm terrified. I may sound like I'm being over-dramatic to some, but this really is the scariest thing I've ever had to do. I could have taken the easy way out. I could have just kept on doing what I was doing, never really being truly happy. But I chose to leave it all behind. I chose to say goodbye to people I love -- people who I may never see again.

Now I need to focus on my weaknesses -- being patient, trusting and having faith.

The next few months are not going to be easy. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up when it's all over, but I can't. I have to face what life throws my way.

I have to wait.

I have to listen to the people who care about me and trust them when they say that everything is going to be okay.

I have to have faith that God knows me and has a plan for me.

This is my time to find out who I truly am and what my purpose in this life is.

God, please give me the strength to do so.

Thinking.

A little over a year ago I drove across the country with my parents ready to start college at my dream school. Now, I'm making that same trip in the opposite direction to leave all of that behind and figure out a new dream.

So many thoughts are running through my head right now. My head is spinning in so many different directions. I don't have the words to explain what is going on in my head, so I'm going to let some of the lyrics from a few songs to help me. I highlighted my favorite line in each one as well.


#1. Roots Before Branches by Room For Two

"So many things to do and say,
But I can't seem to find my way,
But I want to know how.

I know I'm meant for something else,

But first I've got to find myself,

But I don't know how.

Oh, why do I reach for the stars
When I don't have wings to carry me that far?

I've gotta have roots before branches
To know who I am before I know
Who I wanna be.
And faith to take chances,
To live like I see a place in this world
For me.

Sometimes I don't want to feel
And forget the pain is real,
Put my head in the clouds."


#2. Get It Right by Lea Michelle

"What have I done?
I wish I could run away from this ship going under.
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else.
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders.

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow.
But how many times will it take for me
to get it right?

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes, but if I get stronger and wiser I'll get through this.

So I throw up my fist,
Throw a punch in the air and accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair.

Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer

And finally, someone will see

how much I care!"

#3. Cry by Kelly Clarkson

"When people all stare I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk.

I'll swallow my pride
And bite my tongue,
Pretend I'm okay with it all.
Act like there's nothing wrong.
What do I care if they believe me or not?

Is it over yet?

Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

Why won't this just all go away?"


#4. For Good from the musical, Wicked

I've heard it said that people come
into our lives for a reason,
bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them
and we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today
because I knew you...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you I have been changed for good.

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime.
So let me say before we part,
So much of me is made from what
I learned from you.
You'll be with me like a handprint
on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

by being my friend...

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for.

But then, I guess we know there's blame to share, and none of it seems to matter anymore.

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good."

#5. Eyes by Kaskade

"You and I could paint the sky together.

As the world goes by we'll go on forever.

Look into my eyes.
Eyes are the windows to the soul.
Look into my eyes,
Oh you will know.

There is no surprise because love is plain to see.
Look into my eyes.

Truth is truth and time can never leap it.
This I know: we will always keep it."

Goodbye

The hardest word to say to someone you love. I could barely vocalize the word tonight. Every time I did, I felt sick. I wish the word didn't exist. I wish you didn't have to leave behind people sometimes. I wish I could keep everyone with me, but I can't. This is it. This is my obstacle to overcome. I'm terrified, but I've been promised that everything will be okay. Whatever happens, happens. I need to be patient. If it's meant to be, it will happen...

I love you. Bye.

Comfort.

A very dear friend just shared this with me and it gave me such comfort. It is exactly what I needed tonight. She was truly inspired to share this with me and it really confirmed to me that Heavenly Father is watching over me and knows what I'm going through.


"My [daughter] peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job. And they who do charge thee with transgression, their hope shall be blasted, and their prospects shall melt away as the hoar frost melteth before the burning rays of the rising sun;"

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-11

I can do this.

Sad.

So this post was supposed to be about how sad I am to say goodbye, but there are really no words to express what I'm feeling. I don't know if I'm even able to say the word out loud. My life has been changed by these people and now, depending on what happens in the next year, I may never see them again. This may be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

May God give me strength to get through the next 36 hours without too many tears.

I love you all.

Grateful.

I think sometimes we overlook the simple things that help us get through this thing we call life. I've been blessed so much in my 19 and a half years on this earth and I know, without those blessings, I would be nothing.

Everyday people walk into our lives and events happen that have the potential to change us forever, whether it be positive or negative change. What we have to decide is whether to let them or not. Sometimes it's hard. Actually, most of the time it's hard. As human beings we don't always like change. We're stubborn and set in our ways. Sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes we need to be stubborn and stand up for ourselves. But sometimes it's good to allow yourself to open up and try new things. It's good to let people in every so often. It may not be something you have ever thought about doing. The person you have the choice to let in may not be someone you would ever think to talk to. But a lot of the time, the least likely choice is the best choice.

I'm grateful for the people that have walked into my life and changed me for the better. Just like the song from Wicked says, "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good." So thank you. Thank you to those of you who fall under that category.

In just a day and a half I'll be saying goodbye to some of those people. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to know them, even if it was for only a year.

Right now, as I think about it, I wish I wasn't leaving. I wish I could stay and not change a thing. But I know leaving is the right thing to do, despite how hard it's going to be. I'm grateful for my family's willingness to let me go home and figure out my life. I'm grateful for the sacrifices they've made for my sake.

I'm grateful for the trials in my life. They have made me stronger.

I'm grateful, not for my mistakes, but for the lessons I've learned from those mistakes.

I'm grateful for the life that I've been given. I've been blessed with so much that other people only dream of being blessed with. I know I take it for granted a lot and that is something I need to work on, but I am truly grateful for it.

And finally, I'm grateful for the future. It scares the crap out of me that I don't know what's going to happen next, but without that unknown life would be so extremely boring. We wouldn't really be living. We would just be going through the motions and where's the adventure in that? So thank you, God, for not letting the cat out of the bag. (: That was way nice of you.

Thanks.

Hello.

So, this is my blog. I don't really know how to do anything yet, but I've been clicking buttons and I haven't broken anything yet so that's a good sign! I don't want anything fancy. I just want this blog to be somewhere I can share thoughts, feelings, funny moments and anything else I feel like sharing with the world. I'm not trying to change lives or give advice. These are just my opinions and my thoughts. I'm an open book and I want to share that. So enjoy it, love it, hate it, share it, contemplate it; basically do whatever you want with it. This is me.