Workout.

As part of my "Being Home Bucket List" I decided to join the gym today. I've always heard people say that working out helps to relieve stress and just makes them feel better overall, so I did it. I joined Planet Fitness and enjoyed my first workout today.

If any of you have been to a Planet Fitness gym before, you know how nice it is. There are dozens of treadmills and elliptical machines, weight training equipment, ab workout stations, and [my favorite] massage tables and tanning beds. And it's only $20 a month. How can you beat that??

Anyway, working out today really did relieve a lot of stress. I did a 30-minute ab workout, ran on the treadmill for 30-minutes, and then did a 30-minute cool-down circuit. I also got my free massage and spent a little bit of time in the tanning bed, but that doesn't really count towards working out, does it?

Even though it was hard because I haven't worked out in a really long time [shh! don't tell anyone], I got through it and at the end I actually felt really good about myself. I did something to help my body and improve my health. I made progress, which is something I feel like I haven't done in a while. I haven't felt good about myself in a long time and I think this is just what I needed. It made me realize that, even though I'm not in school right now, I can still do something that will better myself and make me the person I want to be. I'm not a failure. I just don't know what I'm doing, and that's okay for now.

I know that working out may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but for me, this is huge. It's a stepping stone towards the life that I want. A healthy, positive, and fun life. 

I've realized that I can't just sit around and feel sorry for myself. I need to look to the future and trust that everything will work out. If I do what I need to do, then everything else will fall into place. It may not be easy. In fact, I know the next couple of months are going to be some of the hardest months of my life. But I can and will overcome what ever is thrown my way.

Eventually the tears will stop and the heartache will go away.

I just hope I don't have to wait too long for that day to come.

Plans.

Ever since I can remember, I have always had a plan for everything. I planned out what I wanted to wear. I planned out each day. And, up until about a month ago, I had the outline of my life all laid out in front of me. I knew when I would graduate college. I knew what my career would be. I knew who I wanted to be with. I used to write it all down, like a map -- a map of my life.

I knew.

And now? It's like those plans never even existed. I don't even know what I'm going to be doing next week, let alone the next four years of my life.

If you were to ask me a month ago what I would be doing on August 29th, I would have told you that I would be living in Garden Court Apartments in Logan and going to school at Utah State as a Broadcast Journalism major.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Instead, I am sitting in a hotel room in South Bend, Indiana on my way back to Pennsylvania to restart my life. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know where I want to live. I don't know who I want to be with.

Actually, scratch that. I do know what I want. I know what I want to do. I know where I want to live. I know who I want to be with. But are those things the best things for me? I don't know.

So this is my time to figure that out. For once in my life I don't have a plan...yet. I have goals that I have set for myself and I have family and friends who love me enough to stand by me.

I'm terrified. I may sound like I'm being over-dramatic to some, but this really is the scariest thing I've ever had to do. I could have taken the easy way out. I could have just kept on doing what I was doing, never really being truly happy. But I chose to leave it all behind. I chose to say goodbye to people I love -- people who I may never see again.

Now I need to focus on my weaknesses -- being patient, trusting and having faith.

The next few months are not going to be easy. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up when it's all over, but I can't. I have to face what life throws my way.

I have to wait.

I have to listen to the people who care about me and trust them when they say that everything is going to be okay.

I have to have faith that God knows me and has a plan for me.

This is my time to find out who I truly am and what my purpose in this life is.

God, please give me the strength to do so.

Thinking.

A little over a year ago I drove across the country with my parents ready to start college at my dream school. Now, I'm making that same trip in the opposite direction to leave all of that behind and figure out a new dream.

So many thoughts are running through my head right now. My head is spinning in so many different directions. I don't have the words to explain what is going on in my head, so I'm going to let some of the lyrics from a few songs to help me. I highlighted my favorite line in each one as well.


#1. Roots Before Branches by Room For Two

"So many things to do and say,
But I can't seem to find my way,
But I want to know how.

I know I'm meant for something else,

But first I've got to find myself,

But I don't know how.

Oh, why do I reach for the stars
When I don't have wings to carry me that far?

I've gotta have roots before branches
To know who I am before I know
Who I wanna be.
And faith to take chances,
To live like I see a place in this world
For me.

Sometimes I don't want to feel
And forget the pain is real,
Put my head in the clouds."


#2. Get It Right by Lea Michelle

"What have I done?
I wish I could run away from this ship going under.
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else.
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders.

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow.
But how many times will it take for me
to get it right?

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes, but if I get stronger and wiser I'll get through this.

So I throw up my fist,
Throw a punch in the air and accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair.

Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer

And finally, someone will see

how much I care!"

#3. Cry by Kelly Clarkson

"When people all stare I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk.

I'll swallow my pride
And bite my tongue,
Pretend I'm okay with it all.
Act like there's nothing wrong.
What do I care if they believe me or not?

Is it over yet?

Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

Why won't this just all go away?"


#4. For Good from the musical, Wicked

I've heard it said that people come
into our lives for a reason,
bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them
and we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today
because I knew you...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you I have been changed for good.

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime.
So let me say before we part,
So much of me is made from what
I learned from you.
You'll be with me like a handprint
on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

by being my friend...

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for.

But then, I guess we know there's blame to share, and none of it seems to matter anymore.

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good."

#5. Eyes by Kaskade

"You and I could paint the sky together.

As the world goes by we'll go on forever.

Look into my eyes.
Eyes are the windows to the soul.
Look into my eyes,
Oh you will know.

There is no surprise because love is plain to see.
Look into my eyes.

Truth is truth and time can never leap it.
This I know: we will always keep it."

Goodbye

The hardest word to say to someone you love. I could barely vocalize the word tonight. Every time I did, I felt sick. I wish the word didn't exist. I wish you didn't have to leave behind people sometimes. I wish I could keep everyone with me, but I can't. This is it. This is my obstacle to overcome. I'm terrified, but I've been promised that everything will be okay. Whatever happens, happens. I need to be patient. If it's meant to be, it will happen...

I love you. Bye.

Comfort.

A very dear friend just shared this with me and it gave me such comfort. It is exactly what I needed tonight. She was truly inspired to share this with me and it really confirmed to me that Heavenly Father is watching over me and knows what I'm going through.


"My [daughter] peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job. And they who do charge thee with transgression, their hope shall be blasted, and their prospects shall melt away as the hoar frost melteth before the burning rays of the rising sun;"

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-11

I can do this.

Sad.

So this post was supposed to be about how sad I am to say goodbye, but there are really no words to express what I'm feeling. I don't know if I'm even able to say the word out loud. My life has been changed by these people and now, depending on what happens in the next year, I may never see them again. This may be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

May God give me strength to get through the next 36 hours without too many tears.

I love you all.

Grateful.

I think sometimes we overlook the simple things that help us get through this thing we call life. I've been blessed so much in my 19 and a half years on this earth and I know, without those blessings, I would be nothing.

Everyday people walk into our lives and events happen that have the potential to change us forever, whether it be positive or negative change. What we have to decide is whether to let them or not. Sometimes it's hard. Actually, most of the time it's hard. As human beings we don't always like change. We're stubborn and set in our ways. Sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes we need to be stubborn and stand up for ourselves. But sometimes it's good to allow yourself to open up and try new things. It's good to let people in every so often. It may not be something you have ever thought about doing. The person you have the choice to let in may not be someone you would ever think to talk to. But a lot of the time, the least likely choice is the best choice.

I'm grateful for the people that have walked into my life and changed me for the better. Just like the song from Wicked says, "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good." So thank you. Thank you to those of you who fall under that category.

In just a day and a half I'll be saying goodbye to some of those people. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to know them, even if it was for only a year.

Right now, as I think about it, I wish I wasn't leaving. I wish I could stay and not change a thing. But I know leaving is the right thing to do, despite how hard it's going to be. I'm grateful for my family's willingness to let me go home and figure out my life. I'm grateful for the sacrifices they've made for my sake.

I'm grateful for the trials in my life. They have made me stronger.

I'm grateful, not for my mistakes, but for the lessons I've learned from those mistakes.

I'm grateful for the life that I've been given. I've been blessed with so much that other people only dream of being blessed with. I know I take it for granted a lot and that is something I need to work on, but I am truly grateful for it.

And finally, I'm grateful for the future. It scares the crap out of me that I don't know what's going to happen next, but without that unknown life would be so extremely boring. We wouldn't really be living. We would just be going through the motions and where's the adventure in that? So thank you, God, for not letting the cat out of the bag. (: That was way nice of you.

Thanks.

Hello.

So, this is my blog. I don't really know how to do anything yet, but I've been clicking buttons and I haven't broken anything yet so that's a good sign! I don't want anything fancy. I just want this blog to be somewhere I can share thoughts, feelings, funny moments and anything else I feel like sharing with the world. I'm not trying to change lives or give advice. These are just my opinions and my thoughts. I'm an open book and I want to share that. So enjoy it, love it, hate it, share it, contemplate it; basically do whatever you want with it. This is me.