You.

You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts that you think and the things that you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful, not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.

Loss.

Due to recent events, I have been thinking a lot about death. Not in a morbid "I'm scared to die" way, but in more of a....an appreciative way. I have a new appreciation for life and the time we have here on this earth. Fortunately, I haven't had to personally deal with a lot of loss during the 19 years I have been on this earth. But I certainly have had to watch others deal with it and my heart goes out to them.

The crazy thing about life is that you never know when it's going to end. You never know when your last conversation will be or even what your last meal will be. That conversation you just had with a friend on the phone could be the last time you'll talk to him or her. You just never know. People die at all different ages and we never really know why. I don't think we're supposed to know why. We just need to know that it was their time to go. They did what they needed to do and God was ready to have them back. It may not seem fair to us at the time, but it's all part of God's plan.

All of this reminds me of an episode of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager." Corny, I know. But it's the episode where Grace's father dies in a plane wreck. He was going overseas and before he left he and Grace got into an argument. They were both angry when they said goodbye to each other and only a couple of hours later he was gone. She never even got to tell him she loved him one last time.

To me, that is terrifying. I never want my last conversation with someone to be based on anger, because even though it may not have been a serious argument, that person would die being angry or upset with me and I don't know if I could live with that. I don't want someone's last thought to be of me being nasty to them. I want their last thought of me to be a happy and loving one. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to die knowing someone was mad at me or I was mad at someone else.

But even though I say all of this, it still could happen. People get in stupid arguments all the time. All we can do is try to limit them. It all goes back to the whole not knowing thing again. Life is full of mysteries and death is one of the biggest mysteries of them all.

One of my close friends always says he's not afraid to die and I always thought that was a morbid thing to say, but you know what, he's right. We shouldn't be afraid to die. Death isn't a punishment, it's just God's way of saying that your mission on the earth is over and it's time to go home. God is our Heavenly Father and he loves us.

Some people may argue that they are afraid to die because they don't want to leave their loved ones. But I know that families are forever because of the love that God has for us. Think about it. Why would he divide us into family units on this earth just to split us up when we died? Not very logical if you ask me. But, to each his own!

Anyway, my point is: appreciate today. Appreciate the seconds and minutes you have on this earth. Each one is precious and each moment you share with someone is unique. We can't go back and we can't skip ahead. We have to live for the present and trust that everything will be okay.

I think Hilary Weeks says it best in her song, "If I Only Had Today."

There's no time like the present.
Life doesn't come with any guarantees.
The sun will set and time won't wait
So while I have today:
I'll hold you and listen
And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink.
I'll tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I'll just let the phone ring.
The I'll remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.

Make your life worth living, appreciate those around you, and appreciate every last minute. Don't go a day without telling someone you love them. Cherish the quiet moments and make the most of the crazy ones. Our time is short so make the most of it. 

I know I will.

 

Forward.

With everything that has been going on lately, I have had to learn that the only direction I can look is forward. Looking backward only makes things worse. You can't change the past so why worry about it? The only thing you can do about the past is learn from it. There are always going to be obstacles in your life. There are always going to be things that break you down and make you want to sit on the ground and cry. But, if you decide to just keep looking forward you can pick yourself up and keep moving.

I will be the first to admit that I haven't been very good at this in the past few weeks. I haven't been looking forward. I've been too worried about the things that have happened and I haven't picked myself up and moved on. But I'm telling you from experience that it's never too late to start.

Great things will happen if you keep your head up and focus on things you can change instead of things you can't. When it rains no one ever tries to stop the rain because they know it's impossible. So why do you try and stop other things in your life that is out of your control?

I think that's one of the human race's biggest flaws. We're always trying to control things that we have no control over. I think if we all just let things happen and didn't try to mess with things we have no right to mess with, there would be a lot less stress in the world.

I really believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that is one of the truest things anyone has ever said. God has a plan for you and he knows what he's doing. He puts you in situations because he knows you can handle them. I don't think he just arbitrarily throws things at you for no reason. You meet people because you need them in your life. You lose people because they have fulfilled their purpose. You go through trials to make you stronger. You fall because you need to learn how to stand back up.

I don't believe in coincidence. Even the smallest things in life happen because they are supposed to happen. Like going to the grocery store. You decide to go the grocery store at a certain time. Why? You may never know. But maybe it was because the cashier that rung your order up needed someone to smile at her because she was having a bad day. Or maybe it was because someone you haven't seen in a while was there and you were supposed to run into them.

Yes, you have choices. I'm not saying God is controlling our brains or anything, but he did create us. He created us with minds that are absolutely amazing. The amount of information our minds can store is incredible. But what really fascinates me is the human sub-conscience. Our mind observes and thinks about things that we don't even realize we're thinking about. Our sub-conscience influences our decisions more than we know.

Your decisions make you who you are, the good ones at least. Because you're human you do make dumb decisions sometimes but I don't think those ones necessarily define who you are. They help you to grow and you learn from them, but it's the good decisions that really define who you are. And it's not the end of the world when you make a dumb decision. It's only the end of the world if you make it that way. But if you just look forward and learn from your mistakes and make good decisions instead, then I think you're okay.

Your life here on this earth is
for trial and error. You win some, you lose some. But it's your decision on how to react to everything. You can look backward and feel sorry for yourself or you can look to the future. Only you can decide what you do. Are your eyes looking toward the future? Or are they stuck on the details of yesterday?

Progress.

Fun workout. Skype with my best friend. Four job interviews. Progress.

Today I finally feel like I made some progress with my life!

My tear count is down, my smile is less forced, and the pain isn't so unbearable.

[Workout.] At the gym this morning I got a 5-minute massage to loosen up, did a 30-minute ab workout, ran for 25 minutes, and then did another 30-minute ab workout. It felt so good! I mean, I haven't lost any weight yet and my stomach hasn't turned into those washboard abs yet, but if I keep up with what I'm doing I know I'll get to where I want to be eventually! And hopefully, in time, I won't feel so dead after such a small workout. Instead I'll feel dead after a more intense workout! (:

[Skype.] I am so grateful for modern technology! Without it all of this would be a lot harder than it is already. It's just incredible that someone was smart enough to come up with a way for people to talk face to face instantly through a computer screen. So, whoever invented it, thanks and I love you!

[Interviews.] Going into my job search today, I was kind of skeptical. From experience, the town and surrounding area that I live in isn't the best place to find a job. But apparently today was my lucky day! I walked into the mall and every store I walked into was hiring. I landed my first interview at American Eagle this coming Wednesday! I was so happy after that I almost left right then and there. But instead I went to Strawberry, Hollister, Gap, Aeropostale, and Auntie Anne's. And the results? I have an interview for Strawberry on Wednesday. I have an interview at Hollister on Tuesday. I have an interview at Aeropostale on Wednesday. The manager at Gap told me to call back on Monday to set up an interview. And the manager at Auntie Anne's said she would call me sometime next week. Success? I think so!!

So, tonight I'm smiling. Even though things are still hard and I'm still going through a lot, I have something that I can look forward to. Although I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, I an see the reflectors that line the inside of the tunnel. It's not completely dark anymore and I know if I keep making progress, then one day everything will fall into place and work out.

I will be where I want to be. I'll be doing what I want to be doing. And I'll be with who I want to be with.